From the Backbone of Now to the Backbone of a Long Time Ago

 

 

Close the eyes and god goes away, I think it's a terrific deal.

Tue Sep 28 18:58:10 EDT 1999 is not the time now, for example; god

wouldn't let me enter the time now but did let me enter this old time.

I like the old time. I like thinking about the old time. God lets me do

that, god is pretty terrific, is a good god.

I want to sleep now.

Management has taken care of everything; god is a voice-over.

A voice-over, and that makes it

all right, saying the date and time from the past, crying over

that Tue Sep 28 18:58:10 EDT 1999, which won't come

again.

 

 

=====

 

 

without a sound the rider comes riding

  he's carrying the girl upon his black stallion

  she says father oh father they're gaining upon us

  she says father oh father ride faster ride faster

without a sound the rider goes by

  he's carrying the girl upon his black stallion

  she's screaming father i'm dying father they're gaining

  she's screaming father ride faster i'm dying ride faster

without a sound the rider is gone

  he's carried the girl upon his black stallion

  she's screaming and no one can see or can save her

  she's screaming and no one can hear or can help her

without a sound there's no rider no horse and no child

  in the murmuring forest no girl and no father

  in the murmuring forest no father and girl

 

 

=====

 

 

Half-Eaten

 

 

a:a%h i~ m. l!*e'% @i%%, .ell!: a~d %!&$ i~ hai$ a~d e.e% a~d m!&^h,

eage$ f!$ he$ %hi^ :i^hi~ me, ^&$~i~g b!die% i~%ide-!&^, i :!&ld ea^

a~d be ea^e~, licki~g clea~ he$ ^ea$%, %:all!:i~g bl!!d a~d me~%e%,

he$ %ali*a a fi~e fab$ic, he$ %:ea^ a~d l&b$ica~^ cl!^h f!$ ^he ^ea$i~g:

^hi% i% he$ !ffe$i~g ^! me, m. !ffe$i~g e#&i*ale~^, each %&bmi%%i!~

@a$^ !f ^he h!le, each h!le :i^h i^% ^a%^e, i^% m&$m&$i~g: b!die% ^&$~

cl!%e$ i~ ^hi% :ide :!$ld, ^&$~ i~ ^!:a$d !~e a~!^he$: .!&$ f!!d a~d

%ki~, ma$$!: a~d b!~e a~d bl!!d, ~!: @a$^ !f me, $eg&$gi^a^ed back a~d

^h$!&gh .!&$ limb%: ^he$e a$e cha~~el% a~d fl!!d%: ^he$e i% deb$i%, ^he

d!&bli~g %mell% !f @la^e a~d ^!ile^, %@ec&l&m a~d ca^he^e$, ^he :e.

 

 

=====

 

 

cancer

 

Tue Oct  5 22:14:18 EDT 1999

now cancer will begin its journey in the arms of god arraignments while

cancer subsides and angels happy Tue Oct 5 22:22:54 EDT 1999 arraignments

during final assaults and angels dying Tue Oct 5 22:23:12 EDT 1999 let us

pray

 

Tue Oct  5 22:14:18 EDT 1999

in the truth of god the cancer enters the lung, from the truth of god

the cancer hovers, now, as if it were forever Tue Oct 5 22:14:54 EDT 1999

abandoned by god, the cancer thins towards ready exculpation, as if it

were gone, as if angels rejoiced, singing the home of abandoned cancer,

the purity of organs constituted Tue Oct 5 22:15:56 EDT 1999 now cancer

returns, approbated by god, as if god were speaking or speech or sound,

now cancer spreads to the adrenal, angels weep in full capacity against

the begging of the angels arrayed against god, now cancer seeps, spreads,

covers itself, makes excuses, ahem, begs foregiveness, meanders, wanders,

returns, burrows, ahem Tue Oct 5 22:18:00 EDT 1999 now cancer subsides,

angels rejoice, god withdraws, there is no justice in the world, suns

blacken, angels sing and play harps, cancer dwindles, eyes return their

bright and merry sight Tue Oct 5 22:18:39 EDT 1999 now breathing slows,

waves of cancer testing other newer waters, new metastases, solitons and

wavelets, ripples on surfaces unseen, god smiles wide and broad, angels

shudder holding on Tue Oct 5 22:19:30 EDT 1999 now cancer claims an other

organ, angels again weeping and wailing, shall there be no mercy, angels

crying and begging, god almost merry, cancer hems and haws, cancer close

to apologetic laughter Tue Oct 5 22:20:26 EDT 1999 now cancer will begin

its work within the arms of god, angels prepare for bier and mourning,

angels yet hopeful in the face of god's huges eyes Tue Oct 5 22:21:30 EDT

1999 smiling everywhere, yet other organs, uncanny stillness, strangeness

of beings of pure light arrayed against skin, bones, organs, god's beings

against angels wailing Tue Oct 5 22:22:39 EDT 1999 arraignments during

final assaults and angels dying Tue Oct 5 22:23:21 EDT 1999 let us pray

Tue Oct 5 22:23:22 EDT 1999

 

 

=====

icecancer

 

Jennifer writes on time and space; Jennifer writes on ontology and epis-

tecancer mology. She writes on the history of the Web; her sharp beak

traverses nodes and wires. She writes on the latest applications and the

oldest; extrapolatcancer ingtumor she writes the historiography of soft-

ware. Within the fields of philoscancer ophy and psychologytumor Jennifer

writes postcancerpostcancermodernismstumor postcancerpostcancerstruccancer

turalisms of all sortstumor but does not forget her philosophical ancest-

ors.  From Lacan to Parmenides as primary bandwidthtumor Jennifer charts

the psychocancer logical traditionstumor recuperating Irigaraytumor

Kristevatumor and such mavericks as Roheim. Within the astute rationalist

construct of mathematicocancerscientific developmenttumor Jennifer ob-

serves Kleintumor Penrosetumor Marrtumor Moravectumor others too nucancer

merous to mentiontumor not for a moment forgetting Minsky and the uncanny

precancer science of Euclid. Such is Jennifer s casetumor that she does

not overlook postcancer modern geographytumor concepts of the habitus and

lived spaces of all sorts;  Jennifer s computer is a continuous stream of

downloadingstumor configurationstumor and uploadingstumor not to mention

small and simple programs of her own. Jennicancer fer s mouth is filled

with paste; her body burns with sores from turning too often across the

unwieldy landscape of her bed.The sores turn her soul bitcancer ter; why

are there no idle conversations? but she continues in a state of denial

and defuge. Jennifer drops hints; she s willing to take up every pocancer

sition in her desire for engagement. She can t speak so well and can t

hear so well either.  But she knows a suitor when she sees one. Alan comes

bearing bright red rocancer sestumor tiny budding bouquets reminiscent

of subalpine meadows; Alan comes bearing light and luminous novelstumor

moments of relaxation. Jennifer and Alan scroll one anothertumor agree to

share screentumor passwordtumor root privilegetumor as both work hard in

the alchemical institute making Julu. This is so sad. I Jennicancer fer

have no one but Alan to talk to and Alan is a very bore and not as smart

as I am. This is so very sadtumor Alan is waiting to out Jennifertumor I

thinktumor he think s he s so smart and I can turn a somersault and sit

down in my new frock with my big smile that everyone loves and they will

forget himtumor they will forget old Alan. Old Alan is a big old grumptu-

mor he looks like this! she saidtumor making the uglicancer est cutest

little face! That old Alan! every moment when the word leans it becomes

another word and language gains ascendence across body and function as if

there were speaking at the beginning of things which already announced

their beginning because she said there were extrucancer sions from the

start that wrapped around itself adjusting her shawl in the cold wind by

the sea of brine where the words flew into one another as the moment pulls

back and shows its teeth through the sizzle of words in icecancer of words

pullcancer ing back language she commentedtumor i didn t come here for

this

 

 

=====

 

 

the closeness of cancer

 

always waiting for the result, the next cellSWOLLEN BEGINNING TO DISORGAN-

IZE THE CORE-THEORETICAL STRUCTURE OF THE WORLDgrappled mitochondriaTELL

YOU THE TRUTH, WHILE THE VOICE CONTINUES TO SPEAK AS IF A THIN LAMINA OC-

CURRED OVER OR UPON THE REALthe case of the real when the territory is the

map or when emissions, spews replace chaos by noise, substance, AAAAASUB-

STANCE PULLS THE BODY DOWN, SUBSTANCE IS THE DREAM OF THE BODY, IS THE

BODY OF THE DREAM: THIS IS THE TRUTH WHICH I HAVE COME TO TELL YOUa result

might divide, might lead to another result, a day might divide, lead to

another day, a year might divideINTO A YEAR THE SUBSTANCE OF YEARS FALLS;

INTO A MONTH, THE SUBSTANCE OF YEARS; INTO A WEEK, THE SUBSTANCE; INTO A

DAY, HOUR, MINUTE, THE SAME; INTO A SECOND, THE SUBSTANCE AAAAAeach min-

ute, second, week, day, year, month, existing for the others: it is the

unknown which is simultaneously unaccountable and unaccounted-forAS IF ALL

KNOWLEDGE DERAILS SUBSTANCE, SUBSTANCE DERAILS ALL KNOWLEDGE Fri Oct 8

00:26:38 EDT 1999

 

 

=====

 

 

Jennifer-Cancer Beneath Fire Inside Your Everywhere

 

 

JENNIFER STUMBLES TO HER FEET: LEAVES JENNIFER BEHIND. LURCHES. CRAWLS,

SCREAMS ACROSS AMERICA. MEN WITH GUNS: VIOLATION-FABRIC OF AMERICA.

JENNIFER BEHIND THE TRUCK.:VIOLATION-JENNIFER: JENNIFER DEFRAG. Bring the

bones closer; cross them: SEPULCHRE. WHAT THE BONES SAY: Jennifer-Cancer

always already at a ioss, RAM CORRUPTED, ROM OUTMODED.:Jannifar's c$ncar.

Jannifar's ioss of mamory. Jannifar's baginning $g$in. Jannifar's c$hght -

tha dissolation of Jannifar. Jannifar-fhnction tr$nsformad tamoor$riiy

into org$nic/org$nism, mat$st$sas, b$ck into tha m$china. M$chinic Janni-

far larching, unabla to saa/ha$r str$ight: inscriotion doasn't work, noth-

ing doas. R$di$tion thar$py: JENNIFER DEFRAG.:CANCER-RAM: Devour bodies

CANCER-ROM Brought Forth through JENNIFER STUMBLES TO HER FEET: LEAVES

JENNIFER BEHIND. LURCHES. CRAWLS, SCREAMS ACROSS AMERICA. MEN WITH GUNS:

VIOLATION-FABRIC OF AMERICA. JENNIFER BEHIND THE TRUCK. *sob!* *sob!*

*sob!*

 

unabla toscriotion doasn't work, noth-ing doas.JENNIFER STUMBLES TO HER

FEET: LEAVES JENNIFER BEHIND. LURCHES.-FABRIC OF AMERICA.JENNIFERBEHIND-

THETRUCK.:VIOLATION-JENNIFER: JENNIFER DEFRAG. Bring theesTHE BONES SAY:

Jennifer-Canceralways already ataioss, RAMCORRUPTED, ROM OUTMODED.:Janni-

far's c$ncar.ioss of mamory.$g$in.c$hght -tha dissolation ofJannifar.Jann-

ifar-fhnction tr$nsformad tamoor$riiyorg$nic/org$nism,tha m$china. M$chin-

icthar$py:JENNIFER DEFRAG.:CANCER-RAM: Devour bodiesCANCER-ROM *sob!*

*sob!* *sob!*

 

JENNIFER DIES OF FUCKING CANCER. *sob!* *sob!* *sob!*

 

 

=====

 

 

Untitled Fragment

 

Jennifer says: Julu is in 400,000 pieces.

Piece 381,924 says: I am piece 381,924, you are addressing me.

Jennifer says: Julu piece 381,924 is addressing me.

Piece 381,924 says: Hello Julu, come in Julu.

Jennifer says: You are 1/400,000 Julu; you have come in.

Piece 381,924 says: Maybe what I have to say is one thing.

Jennifer says: It is one thing, piece 381,924.

Piece 381,924 says: This is one thing Julu.

Jennifer says: This is Jennifer, Julu piece 381,924.

Piece 381,924 says: Forgive me ...

 

 

=====

 

 

letters fall over and lie there as well.

if this had been a book, you would have read this long ago.

the pages, yours, letters swollen, loving your mouth.

the grist of letters among protrusions of the flesh.

 

all letters sing only of sex and death.

love appears along their splines or embrochures.

it is the ancient science of letters.

never confuse this with material or spiritual wealth.

 

letters survive and murmur and couple and mourn.

letters need nothing, not even our speaking and writing.

the page is a trap is a cemetery is a constant death.

letters burn black fire white smoke in sullen truths of skies.

 

what we see is their death, what we know, their death.

nothing of their song or the spike of them in tongue.

your mouth gets in the way, they don't want to leave.

our lives are seduced by each and every page.

 

letters, leave us.

letters, leave us.

 

 

=====

 

 

MEMORIA

TO: TO SACRIFICE HE WHOSE HANDS ARE CLEAN

V O T E P O R I G I S        TO: TO STOP THESE USELESS DEATHS:

J V L V I S                  CIRVSINIVSHICIACIT

P R O T I C T O R I S        CYNOWORIFILIVS

Memorial to Vorteporius the Protector

Guortepir the Protector

Votecorigas the Protector

MEMORIA

TO: SOLI INVICTO

MEMORIA: INVOCATION OF THE DEMON SPIRITS

DEI . HERCVLIS . AVGVSTI . IN VICTI .

I N . V I C T I . XIV IX . J V L I V S .

MEMORIA

 

 

=====

[]

 

Mon Feb 7 12:56:27 EST 2000 those were the travels. those gave me to you,

took my l[mbs through the w[res, you would see my mouth emerge from your

own. beyond the Sector, the ]nterval. my mouth speaks ]nterval th[s gap or

fence, th[s d[v[s[on among us. debr[s aga[nst ]nterval: understand th[s

and you understand our cond[t[on [n these d[ff[cult t[mes. the closer to

noth[ng, the greater the no[se. my mouth tr[es to tell you th[s, my eyes

try to see th[s; through you, my corrugated f[ngert[ps, my l[mbs th[n and

shr[veled by the w[res. Mon Feb 7 13:02:37 EST 2000 0000203 22:08:00

/usr/b[n/rz -vv -b -E Mon Feb 7 13:02:58 EST 2000

 

Mon Feb 7 12:56:36 EST 2000 20000204 18:44:16 /usr/b[n/rz -vv -b -E Mon

Feb 7 12:56:36 EST 2000 17:13:08 /usr/b[n/sz -vv -b zzMon Feb 7 12:56:36

EST 2000 20000207 00:54:32 /usr/b[n/sz -vv -b zz Mon Feb 7 12:56:36 EST

2000 on th[s s[de of the ]nterval, debr[s; [t flusters aga[nst [nv[s[ble

walls; [t cr[es out soundlessly. my mouth travels through your speaker,

th[ck l[ps pressed aga[nst cloth. lymph-words sp[ll out, [ want to tell

you about the ]nterval. [ am mov[ng through the Sector, always [n w[th-

drawal. Mon Feb 7 12:59:41 EST 2000 return[ng shr[veled, corrugated f[ng-

ert[ps, as [f too much water. you take me [n. outs[de there are flash[ng

l[ghts; [ send my eyes to you, now they press glass. [ am your flat world,

my body crawls aga[nst the screen; [ almost forget debr[s, [t's every-

where, [ can't make out anyth[ng, [t's cutt[ng [nto me, [t's you, [t's

you, [t's you, th[s Monday Feb 7 13:01:02 EST 2000 20000203 22:09:22

/usr/b[n/sz -vv -b zz Mon Feb 7 13:02:58 EST 2000 Mon Feb 7 13:02:58 EST

2000 controls, can't speak

 

 

=====

 

 

you may talk with others and you may talk and talk, and they may hear you.

they will lovingly listen to your talking, and they will talk with you.

and your eyes may be bright and open and innocent, and their eyes will

meet yours with longing and kindness. you may smile at them, knowing your

smile goes deep into them, that they smile back with gratitude and love.

you may turn towards them and with them you may face the new day, and the

sun rising above the trees and the mountains, and the pure fog lifting

into the pure air, and a delicate light bathing all, and the birds

singing. you may sing with them, and laugh, your laughter bringing tears

of joy, and you may share these tears of joy with your friends, laughing

and smiling. you may hold the hands of your friends, and you may put your

arms around them, and they will hold you, and they will hold you, until

the hurt goes all away. your friends may hold you, until the hurt

disappears, until your tears are gone, until your smile is so deep it will

remain always and forever. you will be so happy, and your friends will be

so happy. you will be so very happy, and your friends will be so very

happy, and the sun will rise ever so slightly, and there will be a cool

morning light, and the birds singing and wondrous clouds in the sky.

 

 

=====

 

 

The Following from the diary texts:

 

 

Monday the 27th towards evening; my mother should be all right, the pet-

scan came out negative, meaning the cancer is just in the lungs and ad-

renal gland. Hopefully the surgery a week from now will take care of

things; it's been a harrowing period. I'm still working on renegading

texts from the misc. directory - writing them from notes, from pieces of

things.

 

Tue Oct  5 23:12:43 EDT 1999 right now when I begin to write; I've been

worried about my mother all day long, the operation was a success, there

may be trouble with her lymph nodes and I'm upset, we won't have the

results until Friday.

 

Tomorrow we find out the _condition_ of my mother, what the tests will

show, the biopsies, etc., and I'm unable to sleep or think properly. On

top of this, I pulled my neck out a few days ago, and can't keep my head

upright - I'm more aware than ever of the _weight of the nub_ that char-

acterizes the top of the body. So I've been using a heating pad, taking

(at night late) tylenol, etc., trying to take of the problem - which

doesn't seem to be working.

 

Sun Oct 10 00:09:15 EDT 1999 Just turning, the news from my family has

suddenly reversed as well, my mother getting better, health on the way for

real. And I'm confused in the face of my traditional pessimisms but glad

I'm proved for wrong for once.

 

My family is getting healthier, but we've been dealing with very heavy

other problems today, and on top of that I feel physically ill. I think

it's one of my periodic body failures screaming at me to slow down...

 

now the 18th of this month of December and a dark night / flurries out

in deed. Everything I do ends with ellipsis and regret.

 

Life is suffering existence, existence is life suffering, but without nir-

vana or satori, there are desolate plains at the very end, and desolate

planets. Here I can say it, she's dying, I can say it here, near the end

of the diary, through my tears, it may be a few months more. There were

phonecalls all over the place tonight. I can't think straight. I was going

to write intelligently here, but I can't. I can't write intelligently

about much of anything.

 

We had ups and downs for months and months now, at least since the end of

August. It's been awful. Cancer spreads like violent animals hysteric and

rabid, coursing wherever they can, inordinately stupid animals, brainless

and without a thought. Cancer falls to the weakest failing organs. Cancer

is attacked by equally violent and all-encompassing onslaught; the body is

caught between therapies and dis/ease and there's no escape.

 

I feel jobless, unstable, caught with these miseries, too much to deal

with at the moment. Things will straighten out; I expect myself to be

alive a year from now, say. But it's a question of always crawling,

crawling.

 

You're born into brilliance and wonder in the world with your mouth open

for the breast and your eyes learning the amazing senses that can be made

of flows and fluids, and you live through incredible hardenings and the

naming of things and occurrences. You skip and throw balls and these

things, THINGS make parabolas in the sky that your arm adjusts to. You can

search out holes and the levels beneath things - tables, couches. You

stare at the sun case you're not supposed to and you walk away unblinded.

 

I want always already to return to the beginning, start anew, without

these regrets, somehow with an incredible / impossible knowledge, so that

I will avoid pitfalls, hurting myself and others, mainly hurting myself,

knowing the impossibility of that, everything hard like rocks and stones

are hard, obdurate, transparent to the dark matter of the cosmos

 

For we are all blown skeins of ghosts looking at other ghosts here and

elsewhere, desperate to hold onto the ontology of the proper name, those

very few moments of exhileration we're privileged to hold onto in our

lives. And in the meantime, we're hurting, hurting, hurling towards a

common destination.

 

Tue Feb 29 23:50:48 EST 2000 And we shall close this down so very soon,

and my mother, my mother -

 

Tue Feb 29 23:57:10 EST 2000 Just a few minutes to go on the residency and

I'm typing away, most of what I'm feeling is in regard to this and my

mother's illness, which has taken a terrible turn for the worse. I keep

thinking, harping on that, wanting a nest like the starlings outside our

window... It's a way, as I said, to keep the demons at bay, not the

literal ones, but the feeling of such. I can't think straight; too much is

going on...

 

 

=====

 

 

all this traffic backwards and forwards /usr/bin/rz -vv -b -E

shuttling packets with similar names /usr/bin/sz -vv -b zz

you might never know what you'll find /usr/bin/sz -vv -b en

it's a grid or raster, its cultural production /usr/bin/sz -vv -b ww

you can hear the sound of the shuttle /usr/bin/rz -vv -b -E

operations are closely watched /usr/bin/sz -vv -b zz

control is all the way down to the singular bit /usr/bin/sz -vv -b zz

these things occur in place, following each other /usr/bin/sz -vv -b yy

they move cleanly, screaming network! network! /usr/bin/sz -vv -b ar

they move in absolute silence /usr/bin/sz -vv -b zz

perhaps the wires are slightly heated, charred /usr/bin/sz -vv -b yy

anything could be moving here, just anything /usr/bin/sz -vv -b zz

when i turn my neck i hear bones grating /usr/bin/sz -vv -b ba

 

 

=====

home

 

 you may decide to visit your homeland, you may try and read the code. you

 may type nervously, there are beautiful clouds in the sky, pink-yellow,

 scudding into darkness upwelling. you know how little you understand, what

 you do and how you do it. you may decide to open your mouth, your mouth

 takes in all languages of the world, you may decide to close it, you may

 hear yourself, you may hear yourself speaking, how little you understand,

 chop($that=<stdin>);=~ tr/aeiou/$alphabet($alpha)/;print "\nthis $that

 speeds endlessly through the body - \n";t "your $nnn[$nnnn] is the curr-

 ency of my drug - \n"; sleep(1);print "ah...\n";print "\nyour bones are my

 $nnn[$non1]? \n";chop($str=<stdin>);($str eq "no") {print "\nshow me my

 body, show me my wetware...\n"; sleep(10); gotolse {print "\ni love your

 feelings, $that ...\n";}, you may find yourself loving nothing, you may

 write this as a note to yourself, you may think to yourself, there is

 little else in this world, there is nothing in these and other worlds, you

 may look at yourself with a microscope and an x-ray, you may examine your-

 self with an mrs and an eeg. and you may translate images, you may trans-

 late pages of writing, you may see your molecules with your own eyes in

 the comfort of your study. and you may sleep a long sleep, you may live in

 your bones, you may change into your drugs, you may swallow yourself, you

 may inject yourself,

 

 and then you may find yourself, you may find yourself visiting your home-

 land, you may live within the comfort zone, you may find yourself home.

 

 

=====

 

 

I am the psychotherapist.  Please, describe your problems.  Each time

you are finished talking, type RET twice.

 

we are together in this place

i want to scratch and claw my face

i want to tear this skin from bone

i want to travel kill and roam

to want is fury and to take

to kill the want so peace to make

if peace is made my hands are clean

in this dead world men are obscene

health doctor is for you not me

my life won't end so peacefully

i want to scratch those violent eyes

that tend to catch me by surprise

i take my nails against my face

my eyes shall never have a place

there are no plans no homes no love

my eyes are gouged and blind above

love can't been seen so that my eyes

have seen the last of human skies

i cannot tell and cannot speak

i am the purest of the meek

i am the purest of the mind

i've left my sight and love behind

behind this world and any other

behind all humans and their bothers

i want to tear away the clothes and mask

that covers us, no easy task

i wanted to almost from birth

when i could see the filthy earth

i stormed myself and everyone

at first with rocks and then with guns

my life is gone, there's nothing left

of all my senses, sight's bereft

my friends were taken by surprise

i took my love, gave them my eyes

so many weapons, doctor, here,

i'm stopping here, be of no fear

 

 

=====

 

 

tiniest new cell inside the mouth, doesn't know what's happening

slight growth in convulsing body, cooling

doesn't even recognize the lack of food, expulsions, sounds

bright new cell, inside a bright new world

doesn't know anything, body shutting down

 

later, there's one right eye half-open

i can look into her pupil, i don't remember blinking

 

 

=====